It is Super Bowl week, which means that you are about to be inundated with an upsetting amount of completely banal stories exploring every possible angle of the big game. In fact, I can already predict what some of the headlines are going to be this week:
1. A Tale of Two QB’s: Rodgers and Roethlisberger Ready to Rumble
2. Hair Apparent: Matthews vs. Polamalu, Who’s got the Best Locks?
3. In the Driver’s Seat: How Donald Driver went from Car Thief to Super Bowl Starter
4. Mr. Rodgers’ Neighborhood: How Aaron Rodgers Became King of Green Bay
5. Seoul of the Game: Koreans Worldwide Rooting for Hines Ward
6. Big Ben ready to Rape the Competition (Okay, you probably won’t see this one)
Riveting! Don’t worry though; I’m not going to bore you with any sort of half-cocked Super Bowl story, because I respect your mind and your body way too much to treat you that way.
So let’s go ahead and talk about the Denver Broncos for a little bit, because why the hell not?
WOOHOOO! EFF YEAH! BRONCOS!
Recently the Broncos hired John Elway as the team’s Executive VP of Something or Other, and Bronco fans everywhere got all kinds of excited. “He’s gonna turn this baby around! He’ll bring a winning attitude back to our team! BYAHHH!”
These Bronco fans are extra, extra stupid.
I can’t for the life of me figure out what makes people think that John Elway has the ability to positively impact a football team from a front office position.
Let’s go ahead and take a look at his qualifications for a second:
1. Was blown out in 3 Super Bowls by astronomical margins, before riding Terrell Davis’ coattails to two straight Super Bowl victories.
2. Owner of an Arena Football League team.
3. Lost $15 million dollars in a ponzi scheme
4. Owns an overpriced chain of steakhouses
5. Proprietor of a number of failed business ventures
6. Has a big stupid horse face.
Does that look like the resume of someone who should be given any kind of say in the day to day operations of a football team? If you are crazy enough to think that it does, I’d like to direct your attention to
this interview, specifically the moment when he was asked about in what capacity he would like to work in for the team. Elway answered, “I'm not interested in being the head coach and I'm not interested in being the general manager. I don't have that kind of experience to be able to pick those players day-in and day-out.”
Translation: “I don’t want to be involved in any on field decision making, nor do I want to have any kind of a say in player personnel matters. What I really want to do is just hang out in the owner’s box, drink Jack and Cokes, and try to scam some socialite tang. I’ve already got my eye on Tebow’s mom. She is one fine piece of church-ass.”
The truth is that Elway’s hiring is nothing more than a publicity stunt, meant to distract fans from the fact that the Broncos organization is in absolute fucking shambles right now. And you know what? It’s totally going to work, and it is all your fault, ignorant Broncos fan, because John Elway is your Golden Calf, and you just can’t let him go.
Mentioning John Elway to Broncos fans is like injecting super charged Cialis straight into their dicks. They become completely unhinged, things like reason and logic lose all sway, and they spend the next four hours shoving their Elway boner in your eye while they tell you how he is the greatest football player to ever walk the Earth.
And now Elway’s presence is going to keep fans invested in the team. People will continue to shell out obscene amounts of money for tickets and merchandise, and Pat Bowlen will keep lining his pockets with the money needed to feed his fur coat fetish. All Elway has to do in order to make this happen is show up at a few home games, give a few interviews every week, and feed the fans all the bullshit “I know what it takes to win” platitudes that they want to hear. It will be way too late before anyone notices that the team still sucks.
Some day, Broncos fans, you’re going to have to kill the Golden Calf.
(You are totally jacked up for the Super Bowl now, aren’t you?)
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