Movie Review: I am Number Four

The first installment in the film adaptations of the book series of the same name by Pittacus Lore opened today.  Because he apparently does not have a single thing better to do on Friday nights, Butler decided to see if it was at least entertaining.  Find out more after the jump!

It was only a matter of time in the wake of the (*SIGH*) monstrously acclaimed Twilight series that we would soon be seeing various iterations of teen-oddity imitators.  Hell, Meyer went for the double by introducing the plight of high school vampires and werewolves in love.  I am Number Four brings us teen aliens (well, alien) in love.  I am waiting for the next installment that will feature teenage pirates, zombies, or ninjas so that we can say we have officially hit every single pop culture trend in teenage form in love.

But back to the point at hand.  I am Number Four focuses on the titular "Number 4", who is one of the last of his kind from his home world of Lorien, where I guess everyone looks exactly like us.  He and his guardian Henry (played by Timothy Olyphant) are being pursued by a malicious race of aliens called Mogadorians that kind of resemble angry man-fish (they have gills or something) in trenchcoats, assisted by their pseudo pterodactyl/wolf guards.  I will stop to let that sink in.  Why they are being pursued by the Mogadorians is never made entirely clear, other than that they are kind of dicks.

Because god forbid he... I don't know, fucking body

pierce you to death.

I will say that the final twenty minutes of this movie are an action-stravaganza, with lasers and monsters and shit exploding and martial-arts fuckfests and everything I wanted out of what I figured would be a popcorn action movie.  What I got beforehand was the first hour and a half of fucking Twilight where I had to watch characters bumble through enacting their respective archetypes. ("loner longing for home with abilities that are never particularly explained", "artsy girl with dick boyfriend", "dick boyfriend", "nerdy kid who knows Number Four is hiding something").  The only people that seem to care less about the movie than the audience members were the actors themselves, phoning in their performances with the enthusiasm of stroke victims. Hell, the romantic motivation of the attractive leads is explained half-assedly by Timothy Olyphant before he dies (spoiler alert, like you won't see it coming 5 minutes in) as "something to do with Number Four being from Lorien and "their kind loving one forever", which in my mind is even dumber than the Twilight motivation of captain sparkle being attracted to the queen of angst because the odor of her vagina was like crack to him.

I'll be honest, the only exposure I have had

to this series was skimming the Wikipedia

entry while I mainlined some Heroin.

You might be thinking at this point that I will unequivocally tell you to not see this banal piece of crap.  But I have some advice for you and, just to cover my ass, stop reading if you aren't of legal drinking age NOW (that keeps me from being liable, right?).  See this a few weeks from now when it is about to go out of theaters and go to the latest showing you can to ensure that no one else will be there.  Show up early enough to guzzle the water bottle you've filled with cheap vodka before the movie starts, and this movie will be a god damned laugh riot.

Editor's Note: WordsFinest in no way condones anything M. Butler recommends, EVER.  Are we covered yet?